Pet Taxi 4: When Hammer met Sally!!!!!

BE WARNED: THOSE WITH A NERVOUS DISPOSITION DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Areet lads.

As I stated in previous posts on the Pet Taxi chronicles I have a BR on life support with no way of reloading at the moment. haven't the patience or the Ego to play my way out of this horrendous downswing in the micro's so I thought I'd throw a few more shifts in and reload with the cash earned.

Day 4.

I wake early, make our lasses breakfast, have my own, see her off to work.

Watch a few things I had recorded on sky plus. Time flew and soon enough it was 12pm.

12-1PM: Flicked laptop on and had a rummage around the forum.

1PM: Left the house to go the 5 minutes journey to a college round the corner to complete the first week of five of my customer service course. (Don't laugh)

4PM: Nipped into T-MOBILE call centre to get the van keys from my sisters lass (Emma) and swapped them for my car keys.

4.15PM: Arrive at Triple A animal centre and kennels to pick up Darren.

My sister told me that Darren is a friend who lives close to her. In her words he's a rough one but he's ok at the same time. "Always good to have him on your side in times of trouble" she says.

Darren has had his dog (Sally) to obedience classes, she dropped him off earlier and was too busy to pick him up hence the reason she wanted me to go.

4.20PM: Darren walks out of the building (fuck me!) dead ringer for Lenny "THE GUVNER" McLean from Lockstock.

By his side is Sally. My first thought's were this dog (a Rottweiler) was the Nikolay Valuev,the Russian Heavyweight boxer of the K-9 world. This fucker was HUGE.

I'm not a fighter by any means but I would say I could look after myself if need be to a certain extent but, FUCK ME! I was feeling very intimidated even though I had no need to be. Just the site of these two big bastards had my arse twitching.

Anyway he comes over, I get out the van and greet him. He introduces himself, gives me a warm but very fucking firm handshake and we engage in a little bit small talk while we get the Beast into the van.

While doing so I ask him how the training is going, he tells me it's going well but the lady who takes the classes doesn't like the little trick he does with the dog.

Like a proper numpty I ask what the trick is. "I'll show you" he says with a wicked grin on his face.

"Do you trust me" he asks?

Not sure whether I have the bottle to say no I say "yes".

"Ok" he says. "Open the cage back up and stick your head in"
WTF??? Now I'm fucking bricking it but fuck it! he wouldnt ask me to do this if she's dangerous and the fact that she goes to obedience classes tells me he's probably a responsible owner.

I open the cage and lean in. "Tell her to speak" he says.

I timidly say to this slavering monster "speak".
Just as I do this he grabs me from behind and holds me there. Like I said he's a big bastard and has me held tight,head and body half inside the cage.
I'm like WTF is this twat doing? He says "ASK HER AGAIN" I duly oblige thinking what the fucks going on here like? FUCKIN HELL!
I mumble the word "SPEAK" to Sally again. This time the top lip raises and the teeth come out and she's fucking snarling inches from my terrified face.

Saliva dripping from her jaws. He shouts "SPEAK" whch makes her start to bark aswell s snarl. (I've literally shit my pants now) I'm saying "Haway Darren, good one mate let me go ffs".

He instantly lets me go and starts laughing like Vincent Price at the end of the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video.

Thank fuck for that!!!!!!

Anyway, thats my ordeal for the day right? FUCKIN WRONG!!!!

We sat off to get them both back home to Pennywell. Anyone from Sunderland knows its like the Bronx. (no jokes)

We pull onto the A19 and again, engage in chit-chat. Sound bloke I'm thinking.

Then my mobile goes, I glance down to the centre console and see it's Sis on the display.

She said she'd only ring if it's important and as I have bluetooth in my car and dont need a headset I thought I'd have to answer it.

I don't condone use of mobiles whilst driving but felt I had to answer the call.

I take a look in my mirrors and the road is surprisingly empty except for a motorbike some way behind me.

She starts talking about a dog that's been found and would I pick it up and run it down to Cleadon (all extra cash I'm thinking) anyway, I ask Darren to get the notepad and take down the address details for me. We're going through this proccess and the biker is now alongside us.
He's motioning something, I can't see what, but get the feeling he's not happy with me driving and being on the phone.

I ignore him and relay the rest of the address to Darren.

By the time we've finished and hung up the phone this fella's going berserk.

Darren says "who's this daft cunt? wind the window down" not one for argueing I duly oblige. He shouts "what's your fucking problem you daft bastard?"

The blokes still going nuts, Darren says "FUCK THIS TWAT" then motions for the bloke to pull over.

The biker speeds up and pulls ahead of us and indicates to pull over and stop.

"Pull over Dave, I'm not taking that from this fucking cock"

WHAT DO YOU DO??? There's no way I'm argueing with this fella.
I pull over.

Darren jumps out of the van and says " HAWAY THEN YA DAFT CUNT"

Biker, cool as you like dismounts, removes the back pack frm his back and opens it and pulls out a fucking claw hammer. WTF???? MY HEAD'S IN BITS NOW.

Whips off his helmet and says " HAWAY THEN BIG MAN".

Darren dissapears from the side of the van. I'm thinking wtf? you soft cunt,, you're massive. Ok the blokes got a hammer but thought he was riled enough to ignore it and "punch his head in".

Then I thought if he's ran I'm fucked here and got the van into gear to take evasive action if needed

Then, I hear the back doors of the van swing open and just fucking know what's about to go off. I'm thinking OMFG THIS IS UGLY!

Darren reappears at the side of the van, Sally in hand shouting "what you gonna do with that ya daft cunt?"

Like I need this. We're at the side of the A19. Two fucking nutcases, one with a hammer and one with a fucking 10 stone Rottweiler. LOL.

Anyway, after a few expletives I decide to get out the van and try and diffuse the situation. First thing that popped into my head was the Diner scene from Pulp Fiction. Being totally nervous and shitting my pants at the same time I think of JULES saying "BE COOL" "WE'RE ALL LIKE FONZIES,,WHAT IS FONZY YOLANDE? COOL?" In all my nervousness this made me laugh. This only raised the temperatures higher. Both started whailing " PUT THE FUCKING HAMMER DOWN" "NO, PUT THE FUCKING DOG AWAY"
5 minutes of this went by and we were no closer to a compromise. These two idiots are still going at it hammer and tongs. (no pun intended)

Eventually Darren says "FUCK THIS!" says to me "Hold the dog" while I'm standing there like a spare prick at a lesbian convention.

Runs over to the bloke and body slams him to the ground. I've never seen anyone get a hiding like this bloke, and t make matters worse he picks up the blokes hammer and starts smashing his bike up. OMFG NOOOOOOO! Shouts over to me to put Sally back in the van (bloke still SPARKO) and then gets back in the van making a hasty getaway.

Get back to his, get Sally out the back, quick handshake, tells me "was nice meeting you mate, sorry about the hassle" pays me and retreats into the house.

5 Minutes later I'm home, adrenelin still shooting through my veins.



Mike & Louise Saban said...

loooooooool - Fantastic, bloody fantastic

Johnny Jazz said...

Wow, damn, this series is just brilliant. LOL!



Amatay said...

FML mate. Only just read about this after my mate sent me the link. You should have sorted them both out imo ;-)