My holiday observations

Cardguards Holiday Story


As a few of ya know me amd Mrs CG went away to lanzarote for a week and got back on thursday night. now i have been to lanzarote 6 times previously and its by far and away the best canary island.

anyways mrs cg has become acustomed to the finer things in life so no appartment / hotel it has to be a villa with own pool etc. after she had booked a 4 bedroom villa for me and her - dont ask me why ffs it was big enough for half the NPF to have stayed in, she then decided she would ask her sister and our 5 year old nephew and 13 year old neice if they wanted to come too as they been having troubles at home - did not have a problem with this at all but realized it might not be the quiet relaxing week i had planned!!!!.

so off we ventured to newcastle airport to catch the plane on thurs morning. didnt even know who we were flying with as dawn had sorted it all so was bit disappointed to find out it was jet2. got on plane and my fears were realized our seats were the ones in front of the toilets so they dont recline!!. wedges me self into my seat which to be honest the geek or ridla would of had trouble fitting into and think ' its only a 4 hour flight and ive done vegas 5 times so it will fly by. how very fucking wrong i was. i was in aisle seat , my 5 year old nephew in middle and his mum (dawns sister) in window seat - dawn and my neice across aisle. we take off and i look across aisle and dawn and neice are both asleep, mouths wide open in dream land. then to my horror look to my left and dawns sister is asleep too( she hates flying and had fired down 2 diazapans to settle her nerves- apparantely these also act as sleeping tablets). then i look at the little un and bingo he is wide awake and restless and it dawns on me that its down to me to keep him amused till the rest wake up. 10 mins in - i want a drink, 25 mins - i want some crisps, - 40 mins- i need the toilet, 1 hour - i want some sweets, 90 mins - im bored i need my colouring books, 2 hours - i need my power rangers ffs hard work this lad!! mingled in with this is the fact my arse has gone completly numb, all i can smell is piss and shit wafting from the bogs, and even worse when someone is having a dump i could here it all in all its glory - one bloke poor sod sounded if half the world was coming oot of his arse and he was even wimpering and crying at one point.

anyways in my attempts to keep him amused i got the cards oot and tried to teach him to play poker - gotta start em young these days - but alas he could not get to grips with the concept of the check raise or my advanced floating plays so i gave up. lets play snap he says so we did - and fuck me i ran so bad cos i did not realise that apart from the obvious 7 on 7 is snap in 5 year old games 2 of clubs is also snap when placed on jack of diamonds - wow i was completley owned and in the end decided i would play by his rules and so i called snap for the whole deck when i placed the 8 of spades on the ace of hearts. jumped up fist pumped and shouted get in only to look at him shaking his head saying ' thats not snap you are cheating'. fml then he went in huff and wanted to start a fight!!! at this point i decided i had been left in lurch for too long and ' accidently' grabbed his mothers leg and woke her up. anyways the last hour of flight went smooth and we landed and through to car rental place no hassle.

got keys and went to find car and ffs its a toyota yaris!!! perfect for me and dawn but not so good for 5 of us. open boot to find not even one of the cases would fit in let alone 3!!!. so do some thinking and put the back 3 seats down, get the cases in and then get the in laws in the back sat on the cases!!! not ideal as they cant use the seat belts but only a 15 min trip to villa so sure they can handle it. arrive at villa - all is good there and whoopie time to start the holiday.

week flys by without much incident except that the young lad does not know the meaning of having a lie in and cos he loves his uncle stevieboy so much its me he wakes up every morning at 7 am to sort his brekkie out and keep him amused!!! after 4 days of this i say ' why dont ya wake ya mam up tomorrow instead to which he replies' i did the first day and she told me not to do it again but wake you up instead!!! ffs stitched up again.

only couple of down points - the exchange rate, everything is about same price as last time i went but cos the euro is so shit it made everything really expensive, a neice and nephew that wanted something from every shop and being the soft twat i am they got it and the fact that the whole island is dead due to recession in england. so thurs comes round again and its home time. get to airport in plenty of time, check in and happy days as they have a smoking terrace. so we parked ourselves out on the terrace and waited there the hour before we board the plane.

then disaster - we have to board plane at 1.55pm and its 1.57pm so we decided to go to gate(2 mins away) we collect up our stuff and as we walk off i drop a full closed bottle of coke on the floor - fml it doesnt bounce or burst but it kinda splits and starts spinning on the floor with a jet of coke spurting oot - like a catherine wheel. now i have a pair of white shorts on and a pink polo shirt and yep ya guessed it i got the fucking brunt of the coke all over me shirt and shorts. coulda been worse cos the 4 poor ladies sat to our right all got full force too and the lasting image as we scurried off was of one woman standing up and coke dripping off her nose, chin and hair!!!!.

so there i was with my clothes covered in coke 5 mins late on boarding plane and deciding there was no way i could get on plane like this. ran around airport looking for a shop that sold clothes and after a frantic 10 mins found one that sold souvenier tee shirts and shorts. happy days so i ask ' ya got owt in my size' to which the spanish assistant says ' i get for you' and comes back with a choice of 5 outfits - 3 very floral shirts and shorts - no way hosay, one in the most luminous yellow ya ever seen, again no way and the best of a bad bunch - a tee shirt that says ' lanzarote pirates' on the front and has a big skull and cross bones on the back - not my style but will have to do. slip tee shirt on and ffs its 2 sizes too small, as are the shorts. they will have to do says dawn the plane takes off in 15 mins and they have just put a call oot for us. so i slip into my ' new outfit' in the changing room while dawn pays and out i stroll, to be met by howls of laughter. mainly by dawn at my new attire. some pissed english bloke shouts ' oi mate ya look like a fat daffyd from little britain' to which he got the one finger salute from me and more screams of laughter from dawn

so off we ran to the plane, the shorts riding up the crack of me arse and the tee shirt up over me belly. then it hit me - we would be last on the plane and our seats were near the back - i would have to walk up the full length of the plane looking a twat.

we got on and as i took me ' walk of shame' i was met with more howls of laughter and some wolf whistles, and although i dont embarras easily i just wanted the ground to swallow me up i was so embarassed.

uneventful flight home and had a result as our cases where the first 3 off, so i grabbed some clothes out of the case and got changed and felt normal again.

roll on the next one!!!!!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Absolute golden post! It would have been superb if you had got to back to Newcastle and your bags had gone missing. Sorry but it would!



TEAMDOBB said...

lololol I just love the cartoon pic. Spit n dab of Cardguard in shorts like!!!!!!

rubbish said...

Great stories and have to agree with Pud.

Jimmy Chipmunk said...

And you told me you had a good time lololol hate to see what a bad holiday looks like

Amatay said...

ahahahhaha, fkin quality post. Pissed myself reading that lol