The Real Card Guard Cup Story

Hi kids,

Im here to tell you what really went down at the Card Guard Cup a team game involving 150 of newcastles finest and hosted by teamdobbs very own Card Guard kid.

It began on thursday morning with a call to arms to defend Grovna from a band of nee craics called circus poker, they said the humiliation of people taking money out of their once great casino to give to some to a circus (complete with midgets and monkeys) would be the last straw. I told them nee bother and that Id call in the heavy artillery in the form of klaudia milk cannons and my trusty steed mcguigan. The rest would be mercenaries, forgotten men. The first was sir herbert of hackit whod settled with an african maid and put his motto of "raping over pilaging" behind him. The next ellis and ryan kinsmen of radgies, despite their theory of quantity over quality they still couldnt get a game. Next was packard as his names "thepro" I thought he must be good and as he knows tubbs thought if we are successful we could have balloons all over the kingdom. Jgeek who could only play till 70clock which was obviously plenty of time to fall on his sword. Davey newton apparently a friend of the newtons but with the same name thought it was probably a dobba trick but decided to keep quiet case it was another illegitimate heir of stumpy. Then there was late guy who Ive only seen at circus casino, knew he was a ringer but I had a strategy called "winatallcosts" Id perfected playing monopoly vs my newborn and was confident of victory or at least scamming second.

After the game starts I decide the best use of the first three levels will be spend majority in the smoking cage rambling to willdog and trying to drink 2 buds before the table orders get back- not difficult at grovna. I preceed to play amazing then get move to a table with dreamdobb and a load of other people I knew I was way better than and the rest I soon proved to be better then. I was pissing it easiest game I ever played. Decide to speak to andrizu who I think is sitting next to brennan. Brennan is busy implying someone at his table is gay is a very subtle way not at all using words fag or homo. When I get to his table he gives me a bearhug which was warm and was a little like when a hobo falls a sleep on you on the bus- you know its warm piss keeping you warm but it is 6am and february.

Soon Im downstairs on a table full of dobbas, well Im obviously the best dobbas so Ive nee worries there and before long Ive expanded my chips and totally outplayed xenocode with QQ vs 10 10. At this stage valets must be licking the arse of whoever is betting ponies on the roulette as I havent seen one in hours and the legend that is scoop kindly steps in to ferry buds from the bar to me which was by now a fulltime job. Our teams doing ok but comes apart abit around the bubble and after klaudia goes out 21st its looking like third so I go for the win ;).

By now pretty chipped up and owning everyone. KQ thinks he can push over my raise how wrong he was. From there I dont really remember because I was concentrating so hard.

Final table-

Sat rambling with andrizu over absolute nothing. Put out the last of team circus when outplaying them with A3 vs a better A. Then got a badbeat from costa but shes a girl so needs the help as all women are shit at poker. lots of shit not involving me (so not interesting) and the next hand I remember was calling 44 in BB to someone from hetton. He only had that lass with him to blame as her constant repeating of "welldone gaz" or whatever the fuck his name was was doing my head in, didnt hear her say welldone when I dumped him out of the tourney in 4th.

Rosi and sensh on seeing my unique ability decide to concede the game as they just cant win so I decide to look after them as im just that kind of guy.

Someone gave me a trophy which resembled an under7s wallsend boys club one which was mint as i was always shit at football and I ate sausage and egg mcmuffins out of in true FA cup traditon.

Theres been alot of complaints about the way the tourney ended. Theres alot of holier then thou players out there but tbh I just do what I feel is right in the moment and dont really give a fuck what anyone thinks.

Wills doesnt want to run the tourney anymore after his integrity was brought up. TBH hes spent years around the scene stopping people being bullied, improving the way the game is played and providing amazing games for people including myself who are too lazy to do anything about our problems in newcastle poker. He also always speaks his mind doesnt matter who that puts him in opposition too. I did say he didnt say no what I mean is he didnt slap me across the side of the head and say stop fucking about- drunk people dont listen. If people want to question integrity look a little closer to home; many of the people criticising werent there, didnt play or are too shit to understand grey areas. These are the kind of boring fuckers who regurgitate newspapers and judge without any thought of the consequences. He is the best at what he does and alongside scott and dave revolutionised poker in our area. Unfortunately moronic people will post the same criticisms again and again until people who run things think why am I bothering, they dont understand what goes on so why should I put my name or reputation to anything. Quite simply people will do whatever they like and alot of people posting on NPF need to get real.

People questioning wills or npf dont belong there as they dont understand it or the figureheads involved. Steve Wills is one of the most generous and thoughtful people Ive ever met and his contribution to games is not negotiable- if he isnt there youd know and be the worse off for it. Ive apologised to wills for my part but I feel theres a host of others who didnt think before they posted and dont get the implications of accusing a proud guy of lacking integrity who owe some massive apologies.


TEAMDOBB said...

Blunt, humorous and very clever post telling readers your version of how you saw it.

CG is one of the main reasons myself & Scott do what we do and the NPF and poker would be a sorry sorry place without him. People so often dont realise and appreciate what they have until its too late and it isnt there anymore

Jimmy Chipmunk said...

Polyfilla ftw ;)

koyte said...

nice one
"the record shows he took the blows and did it his way"