After a bad few weeks at the virtual felt and a lot of anger and frustraion, mainly self inflicted I decided that I need to make a few quid the good old fashioned hard way.
After turning Sis down a number of times for obv rerasons and the fact that some of you have taken great pleasure in reading about my misfortunes I decided yesterday I would give it another go.
I figured " I'd take one for the team" whilst putting a few quid in my pocket at the same time.
Ok, here goes.
Normal Saturday morning sitting at home with my lass having breakfast.
Phone rings.
Sis " are you doing anything tonight?"
Me "No"
Sis "you do know I have a contract with the council now for picking up strays?"
Me "yep, you mentioned something the other week"
Sis " I am going to a party tonight and want to have a drink and relax, would you take the van and standby for any calls that come in? With it being a new contract I don't want to say no to a call so soon after just securing the deal? It would really be a help if you would do it for me"
(talk about putting the pressure on cos we're family)
My being a soft twat I agree to do it.
It means I can't have a drink obviously but then again I'm trying to cut down as my midriff is spreading with age and 8 cans a night doesn't help.
She then explains the way this contract works is:
If you get a call from the Police or a member of the public saying they have found a stray dog you ask them if they have the dog secured ready for pick up.
Basically all you need to know this for is because it's possible you get there and the dogs fucked off and you have no dog to drop off to the kennels and you don't get paid. Simples!
If someone calls and the dog has a tag with a phone number or an address tag on then tell that person to contact the owner themselves as - again - if it odesnt go to the kennels you don't get paid. Again Simples! (common sense really)
You only get paid if you get the dog to the kennels and log it in on the sheet provided.
So she drops the van off at 7pm and tells me she has made an appointment for the following morning for some lady in South Shields (pick up 7.45am. Do I want to take it myself or drop the van off for her early?
I decide (against my better judgement) to take it as she's going out and no'one who's been out on a Saturday night wants to be up at 6.30am right?
So me and my lass are sitting watching TV. She's drinking a glass (or 3) of Barolo red. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her glancing in my direction with every sip, fucking teasing me.
Anyway I manage to get through the next 3 or 4 hours with the help of the Darts on SKY.
We go to bed around 11ish, flick the telly on in the bedroom and snug in to watch a movie called "STREET KINGS" (great flick btw)
As always, our lass falls asleep half way through. I manage to keep my eyes open to see the end and switch off the telly to finally settle down and get some rest.
It's around 1am now and I start to toss and turn, the works phone next to me on the bedside table.
You know when you're expecting a phone call of some importance and can't relax? Well, this may explain why I didn't manage to drop off till around 4am.
Well, this heaveny state of unconsiousness was rudely interupted by a whailing "GOOD MORNING VIETNAM" what a fucking ringtone! (the queer fucker has done that on purpose I'm sure.)
Bloke: "Hello mate, I've found a dog in the street and the bizzies gave me your number"
Me: "Ok mate, do you have the dog secure?"
Bloke: "Yes mate it's in the garden now"
Me: "It can't get out?"
Bloke: "No mate."
Me: "Does it have a tag with any contact details?"
Bloke: "No mate"
Me: "Ok mate gis the address I'll be there soon"
He gives me the address and it's very close to my house so I'm reasonably happy I don't have to go around the world to get there. (one plus at least)
So I get dressed quickly and set off. It's now 5.15am and I'm shattered. WTF these people are doing up at 5am in the morning I don't know. (prolly playing a tourney on stars)
I arrive at the address, I won't say where for reasons you will agree with later.
It's a rough area close to me that I know of well, and it's the sort of place you don't want to be alone at that time of night as anything and everything could happen. (and often does)
So I open the front gate and then I notice it.
Fucking, git big reinforced front door with a hatch like Paddy McGuire's in Shameless. (OMFG WHY ME?)
I tap on the door and the hatch opens. Behind it is a face that looks like he's had a few 2nd places in his time.
Bloke: "Are you the dog bloke?"
Me: "Aye."
Bloke: "2 minutes mate"
Hatch closes, I can hear multiple bolts being unbolted (lmfao, talk about being fucking discrete about what you do mate)
Door opens, BAM! I'm instantly high. I don't smoke dope or take drugs but I might start after being engulfed by the cloud that hit me,lol.
The place looked like a scene from Backdraft, either that or fucking Lewis Hamilton had parked his McClaren in the front room and fired it up for the lads to hear the engine purr.
I follow the bloke inside, keeping my head down cos I don't want to see anything that I might be killed for before I make it back out the front door.
I follow him through the passageway into an open plan kitchen/dining room.
Bean bags all over the floor, people spaced out smoking and drinking.
Imagine the scene from Lockstock and 2 smoking barrels at the "Herb" growers place and you get the picture.
One lad pipes up " Ere gadgie! Do you get paid for this like?"
(course I do you fuking numpty. Do you think I do this for fun like?)
"Yes mate"
"So do i get a dropsy like? I'm the one that found it?"
"No mate,,sorry" (In the nicest possible manner obv, just hoping his name isn't Andreas)
So I get through to the back garden and see the dog, it's a young Staffie about 6 months old.
Anyone who has ever had a Staffie knows how flighty and strong they are, even at this age.
I manage to get this little wormy twat on the lead I brought and lead him back through the house and out the door saying bye to the lads on the way out (not that they noticed for obvious reasons)
Get him to the van and try to get him in.
The little twat is thrashing all over and doesn't seem to like the look of the big cage in the back.
After what seemed like an age to get the fucker in and seeing my 25 quid slip away a few times when he almost got away, he was in.
Drove down to Cleadon, stuck him in the pen, filled out the paperwork and left to head off home.
Got home, looked at the clock. Now, it's not worth going back to bed as I have the South Shields pick up at 7.45am.
So I sit for a while, can't fire up the kettle for a cuppa as this would wake the sleeping dragon upstairs.
I set the alarm on my phone incase I dose off and wait.
I manage to stay awake until it's time to leave by watching the banner on Sky sports news (with the sound down)
I'm thinking get through this next hour Dave and you're home free mate.
7.45am.
Arrive at the South Shields address. (Somewhere in WhiteLeas) no the nicest of places but, fuck it! I'll be outta here in 5 mins.
The door of number 12 opens. Some scraggy little mutt runs out. Then another. Then another. Another, Another. WTF???????
8 Dogs, YES! FUCKING 8! and the owner. Now, I'm not one for judging people by their appearance but WOW!!!!!!!!
First thing that sprung to mind was a combination of Jo Brand and Amy Winehouse.
This lass was huge. Black hair with red highlights. Tattoo's on every part of her exposed flesh. Neck, fingers,arms. (when she bent over to pick one of the smaller mutts up to get it into the van,I notice another at the base of her spine, not that you could see her spine but you know the region I'm talking about)
We manage to get all 8 mutts into the cage in the back.
There were noses, fur and arse ends poking through the bars everywhere by the time they were all in.
We both get in the front. She's that big I hardly have room to get to the gear stick without touching her.
7.55 I fire up the van and set off.
7.56 It hits me!
A strange, yet fucking manky sex smell.
Anyone who has had a right good session in a warm bedroom will know the aroma I'm talking about but there's a strong smell of sweat mixed in.
(OMFG, ISN'T ANYONE CUSTOMER FUCKING NORMAL FFS?)
I open the window to the max, and we exchange general chit chat.
She tells me she has to put the dogs in the kennels for the day when she works Sundays as she does a 12 hour shift on that particular day.
She leaves the dogs there for the day unless her nephew has stayed round her place the previous night with his g/friend. As her sister (his mother) doesn't like them staying at her house as they keep her up all night making a racket shagging.
She told me she doesn't mind them staying when she's going out on a Saturday night cos she'll probably have her "fuck buddy" round afterwards and be up all night aswell. Basically doing him a favour and in return he stays there all day Sunday and watches the dogs, lol.
I'm gobsmacked at how open some people are when you first meet them and how little shame they have.
Anyway, I indicate to turn right at a T - junction to head to Washington and she tells me to "go left" "Lisa always takes me to McDonalds on the way" "John's got me fucking knackered I need breakfast ,fucking hell, he was on form last neet"
I'm thinking " from the fucking smell of you pet I can well believe it"
Pull up to the drive through she tells me to order "3 DOUBLE sausage and egg mcmuffin meals."
Yes! 3 DOUBLES!!! WTF?
We pull away and engage in more chit chat, all the time I can see her feeling more at ease with me and looking quite confident.
"You're better looking than Lisa said you were" Oh fuck off! I'm thinking, I have a feeling I know where this is going.
My foot gets a bit heavy on the accelerator now.
5 mins we're there Dave, (I tell myself). Hang in mate.
We're getting closer to our destination and she's coming on really strong now.
Saying things like " so do you have a lass then?" "Does she take care of you, if you know what I mean?"
Fuck me! It's Sunday morning, 8 fucking howling dogs in the back, a 25 clem, sex stenched lass sitting next to me with her 3 breakfasts on her lap, obviously still horny from the ragging all over she's just had off her "buddy".
We got eventually get there, drop off the hounds and head to her place of work which she says is only "5 more minutes away".
" I don't start till 9 if you fancy going for a drive or stopping off somewhere quiet?"
LMFAO, now I'm feeling really uncomfortable like.
"I'm sorry pet, I have another job right after this"
Like fuck do I but haway!
The 5 minute drive to her work only took 2 minutes obviously and dropped her off.
Thank fuck for that. As soon as she got out the suspension lifted about 12 inches and the green haze slowly started to disappear.
I got home, her smell is clinging to me still. I strip naked, jump in the shower. If you had seen me I was like Ace Ventura after he found out the woman he'd just been with was actually a bloke. The film "crying game" springs to mind. Repeatedly reminding myself that this was DEFFO THE LAST TIME!!!
NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
