Pet taxi 7 Homeward bound!!!

Pet taxi 7 Homeward bound!!!

Areet lads,

A quick one but puzzling all the same.

I really have come to the conclusion that some people just have "TOO" much money.

The Job:

Pick up a lady from Houghton Le Spring and run her up to a charity run animal sanctuary in Westgate. (just past Stanhope about 30 miles)

The story goes like this:

This lady and her sister share a big cottage in Houghton with their elderly mother.
They have an outhouse and barn and there's a flock of Pigeons that decide to congregate in the barn daily.

Being animal lovers they decided to feed the birds and now they won't go away.

The next door neighbour doesn't seem to be happy as she told me "he's been shooting them from his top window with an air rifle,lol.

She phoned the bizzies but they said as they are VERMIN and he's shooting them from his own land they can't do anything about it.

My job is to run her up there and drop the birds off so they can live safe and sound forever in this wonderful place forever.

9am: I pick her up,load about 30 Pigeons into the back of the van in 2 rather large baskets. She seems nice while chatting on the way there, although slightly weird and fucking thick as fuck, but hey! in this job she's about as normal as I can expect.

Something's telling me that there's something amiss here but I don't know what.

10.15amish: We arrive at this so called santuary. It's basically a farm and it's a right shit hole to be honest, it's her decision and she has the birds safety at heart.

We are greeted by some bloke that's the spit of Alan Robson


and he unloads the baskets of birds into a shitty little shed with a makeshift cree built up on the side.

The lady is chatting to Alan while I have a wander around and see a scruffy looking bloke called Pete.

We're chatting and Pete asks "Are you a relative of numb nuts?"

"No I just run her up here, I'm the Pet Taxi" I reply.

He starts to chuckle and then says "She's a nice lady and all but she's fucking dense"

"She brought about 30 up last week and we took them in. We let them settle for a few days to get used to their new home and once we let them out half of the fuckers didn't come back" LMFAO.

That's what was fucking with me on the way there.

Obviously the half that were missing had fucking flew home hadn't they.

So we've got this lady (very caring woman at heart but thick as two short planks to boot.)

I got her home and she pays me £70. Then I get a phone call an hour later.

Sis: Can you run her back up there tomorrow afternoon with some more?" LMAO.

It may not be morally right to carry on taking her up there on a regular basis when the fucking birds are probably gettin home before us.

But,, as the good ole poker saying goes "why tap the glass"

I can't believe I'm about to say this but,, I'm definately NOT going to say never again. (FOR NOW ANYWAY)

Pet Taxi 6 the last one?????

Pet Taxi 6 the last one?????

Hi lads,,

Day 6.

26/6/09.

9AM: Rise from The pit, shave head, pluck eyebrows, nose and ears. Quick shower and head off to 2TOUCH for job interview.

10am Arrive at 2TOUCH suited and booted. Greeted by an abrupt bitch called Tracy. Get interragated for 45 mins by said bitch.

10.45: Get taken out onto the call centre floor where I have to sit in with a sales advisor and listen to him making calls to potential customers.

This 18 year old kid is the sort of person I fucking hate ringing me,,he's super aggressive in his sales pitch and will not take no for an answer, telling me

"you get 75p per sale man" fuck me! I've wasted so much of my life waiting for a job like this fucker. 75p per sales?? weeeeeeeeeeeee.

I listened to this skinny little cocky cunt torture peope on the phone for 30 mins then he got put in his place by some Welsh bloke that refused to cave

in to his constant bullshit, eventually telling the kid to "FUCK OFF" before slamming the phone down on him,lol. (I was pissing myself looking at his face)

Anyway, I later got a call saying I had got the job and can start on 13th of July if I wanted it. (yeah right,lol...all those 75p's how the fuck can I say no?)

12:30pm Sis turns up at the house, I need to drop her off home and then pick up 2 customers from Barnes area.

The background goes something like this. Carol and Ramon met in Spain 25 years ago while she was working as a rep for Thompsons and he was a reception guy

at one of the Hotles she worked for.

They got married, had 3 kids and for the last 22 years have lived in Tenerife where they owned a car rental firm.

Fast forward to today and they have sold the house and moved back to Sunderland and their 6 dogs have been in Quarantine since January.

The job is to take them to Manchester Airport to pick the dogs up as they are arriving on a flight with Monarch at 5pm.

1PM: I pick up the couple and they seem really nice, (Carol's a proper MILF) I might add.

The sat nav says that the journey should take 2h 37mins.

I worked out that we should arrive at 3.37pm. They can go do what they need to do while I find an eatery in the airport. Get dogs then head off back

and allowing a little more time for any complications we should get home at 8pm. (hopefully)

All's going well, these two are telling me about their adventures and escapades from abroad, I'm really enjoying the trip with these two cos they are so "normal" and chatty.

3pm: We're on the M62 about 20 miles from the Airport and we hit traffic, there's signs saying there's been an accident and there will be delays. (It's Friday and just

about peak time so it's no major hassle so far if we get throug this quick)

4PM: We've moved about half a mile ffs. We're right on the junction for the Trafford Centre. I've never been but I presume it's a Metro Centre type place and

now the traffic is fucking mental.

5pm: We've still got 13 miles to fucking go and then the fucking bombshell. The radio station traffic news announces" If possible stay off the ring road as there are huge

jams due to FUCKING TAKE THAT CONCERT at the Trafford Park Arena or some shit. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF????

6pm. We get to the fucking Airport. I head off for something to eat and Carol and Ramon go to information desk to find out where the dogs are.

6.45pm The fucking bird in big Joes cafe has somehow managed to lose my oder chitty for a fucking poxy omelette that tasted shit btw on the way to the kitchen.

10 minutes later it arrives. £7.50 FOR THIS SHIT? what a fucking con, the chef musta split a fuckin egg and made someone else one looking at how fucking small it was.

Anyway, I finish it in about 90 seconds and ring Ramon to ask how they are getting on and where they are.

Turns out Livestock etc go to the Freight Terminal and I need to find it. I go to informaton and ask some smug bitch where it is and she direscts me.

"Exit the car park, drive out of Airport back onto the M65 heading towars Chester and take Junction 6." Are you fucking kidding me or what FML?

I pull up to the exit gate with ticket and realise I havent validated the fucker. I have about 6 Taxi's behind me, I can't reverse so I have to jump


out and run the 50 yards to the machine,lol.

FUcking horns going off like fuck. Arseholes shouting out of windows at me etc,lol. (The day I'm having? FUCK EM!)

7.10pm: I manage to find the Freight Terminal and see Carol and Ramon waiting for me. She's in tears, he's looking grumpy. I forgot to add earlier that they had been told

on Wednesdaythat one of their dogs had been killed 2 days earlier in Quarantine in Tenerife after one got out of the enclosure and was ragged to bits by a German Shephard

compound Patrol dog so they were already pissed off before the journey had begun.

They get in the van and tell me that the Vet in Tenerife that had gave the dogs the innoculations and jabs etc had dated the forms wrongly by putting the date that

the results came back and not the date the vaccinations had been administered. So,, the poor twats had to wait another 3 weeks before they could get the dogs back.

In the meantime they are going to have to have the dogs taken to kennels in Yorkshire that had a quarantine area for the next 3 weeks costing £1800 ontop of the £1900

they had paid to get the poor fuckers flown over. WTF???

7.20pm we set off back home, again 2h.37mins on the sat nav so hopfully get home for around 10pm. (Like that's going to fuckin happen eh?)

9.20PM: Just short of Teeside Ramon says we need to stop as he's fucking starving and needs a sandwich.

We pull into a Little Chef and go inside, now Carol says she's hungry so we all sit down and order something.

9.45pm We set off again. I estimate we only have around 25-30 mins to go and look forward to getting home.

9.55pm. It's foggy as fuck now and I have a camper van infront of me,,I'm taking my time and staying well back and Bam! the fucker slams his brakes on. I hit the brakes too and

almost smash into the back of him.

We're alongside a slip road but I can't see why he's stopped until he pulls onto the slip road and starts to drive up it.

There's a copper car sideways on along side the Junction blocking both lanes and the Camper bloke obviously didn't see him until he was right ontop of him with the fog.

The copper is out of the car and signalling me to get off the A19 and up the sliproad. I just start to turn and pull up the slip road and I hear a fucking really

loud skidding noise, I turn to my left and see a car just smack right into the copper car knocking it about 50 yards up the road WTF??? I actually felt the wind as this fucker

flew past me.

OMFG THAT WAS CLOSE.

I head up the slip road and the camper is rejoining the 19 at the top so I decide to follow.

2 MINS later there's a jam. A police woman is walking down the middle of the two lanes and telling drivers to stay in their vehicles and keep their lights on and btw

no'ones going anywhere for a while. Turns out there had been an accident involving a 1 or 2 tankers and 12-20 cars up ahead. (you might have heard it on the radio this morning)

Apparently It's still closed off. So we're fucking stuck there, can't move and after 2 fuckin hours they tell us we all have to U-Turn and head back down the road

the wrong way and get off the previous junction and go another route,lol.. (YOU'RE HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH AREN'T YOU?)

12.30AM I get the couple home and arrive home myself. A 6 hour run max had managed to take 11 fucking hours,lol.. (FOR FUCKING NOWT TOO,LOL)

I sit down, light up a smoke and decide that this DEFINATELY was "THE LAST FUCKING TIME!"

Day I met Phil Ivey!!

Day I met Phil Ivey!!

OK heres a few sureal things that happened to me during the WSOP 2009

Ya close up alot the time with alot of famous Poker players ya see on TV etc when attending the WSOP but sometimes ya get yaself in funny situations ya dont really think twice about when it happens until later on. Heres a few of mine from this years WSOP.

During a break whilst watching Mr Entertainment in the $1500 NL its a big rush to the " rest rooms " ( the bogs in Geordie lingo ) and off I goes to join the slow moving winding queue. As we shuffle along into the bogs Im constantly feeling this nudge nudge nudge and something hitting against my heel. Turning to have a look and possibly say watch wot ya doing mate Im amazed and gobsmacked to see no other than DOYLE BRUNSON is the person behind me and the nudging culprit!!!



Next strange experience was on another break and toilet visit during the Seniors Event. Im at my urinal staring at the wall with various stuff going through my head when the guy to my left is speaking across me to the guy on my right. Fkn hell I think I deffo recognise that voice and look to my left.

Its no other than " Shuffle up n Deal Mike Sexton " and hes chatting away across me and as I then look to my right its only Jesus Ferguson Cowboy hat n all!!!! p.s. didnt look at who had the biggest cock by the way!!! Washing my hands after this and no other than John Juanda was directly next to me. Some piss that was I tell ya


Finally the strangest experience of them all. After finishing the 1st day of the Seniors and in reasonably good shape 5 of us decide to have a few drinks and end up back at our hotel The Bellagio and prop up the bar near to the Poker Room. My Mrs followed by Mr & Mrs Entertainment eventually make their ways up to bed leaving me & Juicey Oranges propping up the bar. Its nearly 5.30 before we call it a night and I make my way to bed. After too many pints of Guiness my brain isnt exactly working very well and as I make my way to bed I realise that although I know Im deffo on the 19th floor I cant fkn remember for sure what my room number is. As I stumble along the corrider hopefully trying to recognise my room unfortunately hundreds of room doors all look the same so return back along the corridor thinking what to do. At the end theres a small table and chair located near the lift so decide the best thing to do is call reception. Im sat there at this table and connect to reception informing the girl rather embarassed that I cant remember my room number and can she help me. She then goes through a range of security questions with me and as shes doing this the lift door opposite me opens. Im gobsmacked as out of the lift walks Phil Ivey. Hes dressed in his famous Grey Hoody with earphones round his neck, Full Tilt cap on and busy doing something on his I phone. Fuck it I think and say out loud " Alreet Phil ?" Nods and says Yea are you? "Will be when they find out what my room number is" I reply. He smiles then opens the door of his suite directly beside the lift at the end of our corridor. So sureal so sureal.

p.s. Eventually the girl gave me my room number and 5.45am I was tucked up in bed in room 19184. ( Iveys was 19*** )

NPF Interviews from WSOP 2009

NPF Interviews from WSOP 2009

Top top bombing done by Mr Entertainment during this years WSOP

THE GAFFA IN ACTION WSOP 2009

THE GAFFA IN ACTION WSOP 2009

A COUPLE OF SHOTS WATCHING MY MATE PLAY AN EXCELLENT WSOP SENIORS EVENT YOU ARE MOST DEFFINATELY THE KING OF THE SHORT STACK TO COME BACK FROM DINNER BREAK WITH 1200 AND THEN TO FINISH 97TH IS AN AWSOME ACHIEVEMENT



















AND A COUPLE OF PICS OF MR TRETT WHO WAS ON THE SAME TABLE AS DC

Old Codgers Ka Ching!!!!!

Old Codgers Ka Ching!!!!!

4th visit to Vegas and 2nd time Ive played the WSOP Seniors Event. After playing in this last year I plan my vist around it to be honest as the game is a joy to play in. Planned to play 4 selected games over 10 days and maybe the odd other game depending on how I did. Ended up playing a $160 game at Caesars with around 140 runners and scraped to the cash.


I then played the Mini Series WSOP game at the Golden Nugget and bust out early in level 4 when flat calling an early decent stacked raiser when holding KK and needing chips for perfect Q high flop to his AQ which he checked and called my shove for the nightmare river Q to boom in. Was shocked to be honest with the Golden Nugget as it was nothing like I expected it to be. Its a really lovely hotel which has obviously had alot of money spent on it and their Mini Series is deffo worth playing made even better by it being played in the Grand Hall there.
Next game I played was the Caesars $330 Deep Stack Series. Played like a total donk to be perfectly honest and bust early when calling a strong raise from stacked player in button to my BB with A 10. Flop came A K 10 and I checked for him to put in a dubious weak bet which I re raised to see where I was yet when he shipped in I still called for him to flip JQ. No help and was gone early doors.

Had no desire for few days then to play any poker and chilled around the pool n stuff and also had to endure a hotel move between deals we had taken with Caesars & Bellagio. Had to book a Friday & Saturday night and the only place on the strip not taking ya eyes out was the classy Imperial Palace!!!! Oh my god Palace is not quite the description I would have for the place.
We endured 2 nights in the dump and never again. The place is old, worn and sadly lacking what Ive experienced in Vegas hotels. Remeinded me of Butlins with worse lifts or should I say "elevators"
Play a small comp in Harrahs which was good fun and a nice cardroom which I was very surprised with. Im sure the Poker stars software was dealing as saw some incredible beats and hands during this proper shove fest game.

Spend a full day railing Mr Entertainment in his $1500 Event and was a real pleasure although very very tiring. Bit pissed off as after 5 hours basically on his shoulder due to his table location the powers to be decide to re rope the aisle and we cant get anywhere near him. Totally spoilt it but he did absolutely brilliant finishing just under the 500 mark from around 2700 runners with very few cards on a very tough table.

Next up was my main event of the WSOP Seniors. To be able to play in this you need to be 50 n over so well in there now.

1st amazing thing was walking to my table on day 1 and as I near it see Full Tilts old man George standing there with his England top on. Same table incredible!!!!
Playing 46 off and taking big pot down was classic moment I loved. old codgers face as I flipped it over will never be forgotten.
1st aim was to better last year which I went out 10 mins before the dinner break so was gutted when lost last hand before break priced in on BB with K7 hts coming back with only 1200 chips. An hour later Im on 20k with J 10 being my hand that got paid time after time.
Finished day on 25700 which was above average then 1st hand of day 2 Im BB and on a table with only 1 big stack. Guy on 14k makes standard raise mid position and Im sitting with 10 10. Decide to ship as I dont think hes calling with big Ace early stages for his tournie life but he snap calls flipping JJ and they hold. After table move Im on a very very tough table with some excellent players but hit a run of cards that gets me peaked at 46k.. Cruise the money and thats an experience in itself as a few hundred old codgers try to scrape there with loads of people sitting on 1, 2, & 3 BBs. The cheer as they announce " Youve made the money" and loads stand up cheering n clapping is amazing.
They drop like flys then and its when ya need ya cards which tbh I simply didnt get. Only had one major decision to make after that which was guy making big raise from 2nd pos who could deffo play and Im sitting with him covered 60/40 with AK. Put him on 10 10 JJ and decided not to race with him.
Level after dinner break was the killer as went completely card dead with high blinds n 500 ante. Didnt want to go as low as 5BBs tbh but wanted to make top 100 as well and when that broke found A4 hts utg and decided that was good enough but got looked up by AQ and no miracle 4 although turn did bring me a gutshot hope.
Finished in 97th place from over 2700 runners and picked up my 1st WSOP cash for $2734
Special mention for those out there with us as Mr & Mrs Entertainment were superb company and fun to be with and Juicey Oranges for his ever calming words of wisdom and support. Thanks to my Mrs for her lucky kisses from the rail Thanks to my big pal Cardguard Kid in getting the info across back to the forum and thanks to my 2 kids who sent me some lovely e mails and said some lovely things I didnt really expect.

Finally a big big congratulations to the winner Michael Davis. He was briefly on my day 1 table then on day 2 when I was moved table early on I was sat with him to my right all day. The guy had his moments but overall he played his hands very big and strong having no hesitation is shipping it in big and throughout the game played like a perfect gentleman and was excellent company. On checking his stats his past record is abolutely awesome. Well done mate and hope to be able to bump into him again next year and shake his hand for his success.




Got some sureal few things that happened during the holiday Ill blog next few days and a classic moment Ill explain when I bumped into Phil Ivey

Pet Taxi 5 - A different experience!!!!

Pet Taxi 5 - A different experience!!!!

Areet lads.

Dispite saying numerous times before "never again!" I reluctantly accepted another day yesterday.

One job, a customer I'd had before who wouldn't stop rabbiting for an hour plus, but otherwise reasonably sane.

As before, had van dropped off at 8.45am. Went back home, had breakfast, quick shower and away. Headed to Birtley for Michael and his dog Gemma (Part 1.)

Picked him up at 10.15. Drove to other side of Durham city centre to the k9 hydratherapy farm.

11.30am Dropped the guy off, £25 payed, no problems apart from my ear drums bleeding from his constant waffling about shyte.

Rang Sis from outside his house to let her know job done and all's well.

"I've just had a call if you want to take it?" she asks.

(I'm feeling good as first job went without a hitch) Ok! what's the job?

Pick the guy up from Millfield in Sunderland and run him and his Jack Russell over to the PDSA at Southwick (5 min drive max)

12pm. Arrive at Millfield address, guy comes out, lovely little Jack Russell in hand. He'd been rummaging around in bushes on his morning walk and got caught

on some barbed wire and gashed his hind leg.

12.05PM Arrive at PDSA, guy goes in, 5 mins later he comes out, dog has a cone on his neck,,lol (funny site, the cone was bigger than him) antibiotics in hand and the dog's

had a stitch.

12.15-20pm, arrive back at the blokes address, £15 payed. Job's a goodun.

Ring Sis. "Everything's ok, job's done. Are you at home?"

"Yes, I haven't got another job till 2.15pm, pop in for a coffee." (It's only 2 mins down the road so I tell her to put the kettle on.

12.25. Sitting in Sis' house drinking coffe and chatting, phone rings. Takes down a few details then hangs up.

"You fancy another job?" (I'm on a proper roll now and agree)

"Ok, jobs at Monkwearmouth, run her to the PDSA in Southwick with her dog Petra. She's old and pretty abrupt but she's no bother" she says.

12.45pm, arrive at the address, door opens, old dear maybe 70 years old answers the door (tissue in hand and eyes all red) "come in luv" she sniffled.

I walk in and take one look at her and I knew there and then Petra isn't coming back home.

We get into the van, Miss Turnbull still in tears. I don't want to engage in any sort of conversation cos I know what's about to happen. We drive silently to the PDSA.

It was only 5 mins up the road but it seemed like 3 hours sitting in uncomfortable silence.

12.55pm. Arrive at PDSA, I turn to the old dear and ask "would you like me to take her in if you're not upto it?" "No" she says "I have to do it." Fucking phewwwwww!!!!

I walk in with her and see the lady at the desk to let them know we've arrived. "The vet is 10 mins behind schedule take a seat" bollox, I haven't a clue what to

say to this old girl. She pulls a mobile out of her bag and starts to fiddle with it but I can see she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing so I ask her if she wants

to call someone. Without a word she hands me the phone and I access her contacts. OMFG she only has one contact in there called Keith.

I ask her if she wants to ring Keith, she nods, still in tears. She speaks to this bloke and carries on bubbling throughout the call, hangs up and puts phone back in her bag.

I ask her if Keith is a relative, son maybe. No, she says, I have no family, Keith is my next door neighbour he looks after me.

Anyway, Vet opens door and calls us in. We enter the small room and she tells the vet that "it's time"

The vet then explains to her what the procedure is and that Petra will feel no pain, she'll just fall asleep peacfully and will not feel a thing as all the do to put dogs asleep is overdose them

on anasthetic.

Few moments later, the vet is injecting poor little Petra and the old dear has hold of my hand sobbing her heart out for her long time companion and love of her life.

Then it happened, it got too much for me too and I started crying aswell. We're both in tears looking down at her sleeping baby. Very peaceful and rid of all the pain she

had obviously been suffering from.

The vet's trying to ask what she wanted doing with her body while we're both there crying our eyes out. I pull myself together for a second and tell the old girl I have a number for a lady

called Lucinda.

Lucinda owns a cremetorium in Durham and will take care of whatever needs to be done and get her back in a lovely little pine casket with name engraved and everything,

with Petras ashes inside.

We leave the side room and into the main lobby of the PDSA, the whole place is packed and we're walking out hand in hand crying like no tomorrow.

I get her home and go inside, call Lucinda and make the necessary arrangements. Old dear is sitting on the sofa (still heartbroken) and pointing to what was obviously Petras

bed.

This set me off again and we're sitting crying once more, all the time I'm reassuring her that she's done the right thing.

I get up to leave then it struck me. OMFG i have to ask this heartbroken lonely old woman for my money.. WTF do you do???????

I was just about to (SHAMEFULLY) utter the words when she asked me how much I owed her. PHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

She paid me and reached out to hug me before I left and set me off again (ffs) we're standing in her hall way hugging, crying and then I pull away and tell her "I really

do have to get on." She thanks me and tells me "I couldn't have done it without you" then I leave.

Get in the van and leave.(still bubbling btw)

Now, I've had my fair share of nutters and idiots doing this. It's been a nightmare from start to finish in the past but (selfishly) I hope I never have to experience this

"different kind of nighmare" again.

Gimme the crackpots and nutters anyday or this is definately "MY LAST TIME".

R.I.P Petra. The time you spent together, you obviously made an old girl very happy.

PS: I set myself off again while writng this ffs.

MY WSOP

MY WSOP

Saturday 20^th June 2009 WSOP Event 39 will be a day I will never forget for the rest of my life until you enter that poker arena in person words will never be able to explain the emotions you go through absolutely awesome.

As we walked the lobby down to the Amazon room my nerves were on edge and I’m not ashamed to say I was shitting myself going into the biggest game of my life in the world’s most famous poker room with a bracelet winner two seats to my left ,

It took two levels for me to calm down and get comfortable with my surroundings then disaster struck as I look down in late position at QQ I raise to 725 on a 75 -150 blind three limpers fold round to bb who calls, flop come 778 and I think I’m good as he checks then flats my 500 bet, turn brings a four and I bet 1500 he tanks then shoves I call and he flips over 7 8 off???? FFS I’m numb as I dump 2/3 of my stack.

I walk away from table to get myself off tilt and calm down, returning saying to my self ok then we have some work to do, I get through another level and make the break.

Sit back down after 20 min Break and I look down at QQ again thinking ok I’m shoving with this when bang utg raises 800 followed by a reraise to 1600…. FUCK for the 1^st time in my poker life I don’t know what to do the reraise has me covered and its tourney life time I tank for must be 6 – 7 minutes no clock was called I think back to what a friend said “ if in doubt shove !!” I look to the rail at Teamdobb Mrs E who have no idea what I have I eventually fold and reraiser said he had AK table then say how can you pass ??? I reply bad feeling with QQ after beat earlier.

My opinion it was the right decision as I got my chips in five times during the course of the day and evening every time with the best hand however could never get passed 4.5k until last hand before the break when on bb 300 – 600 its folded to sb who flats and I have 4c 6 c flop comes 3d 5d js sb bets 600 I call and bingo 7d on turn sb checks and I shove for a snap call who flips over top pr and flush draw straight stands and for the 1^st time I have 11k.

Return from break and after a couple of laps I look down on sb at KK seat one shoves for 7k and I call he flips over A 10 AND YES FLOPS THE ACE fucked again 4k left and button brings AC2C folded to the button so I shove it in and bb wakes up with 44 and its over !!!!!!!!!!!.

Have to say it was without doubt the best poker game I have ever had the privilege to play made a whole lot better as our moderator along with MRS E was there till the end RAILED ME FOUR 12 HOURS on their holiday THANKS YOU VERY MUCH also Sandra and Pete your support was incredible

So that was it over in 12 hours and what an experience think I might have another go next year ......

so near but what a great weekend

so near but what a great weekend

ok regular readers of this blog will no doubt recount numerous posts by myself about bad beats and how much i hate poker etc etc well this one is gonna be different so read on and enjoy.

since my holiday trauma i decided that i would not really venture out to play live for 2 reasons. firstly i had won a seat at the sky poker final at dtd on the following saturday and was then gonna be away playing the coral british masters in leeds this weekend just gone so wanted to stay fresh and secondly i did not fancy a whole evening of piss taking by people who had read the holiday problems.

so firstly sky game at dtd. 273 runners gave a prize pool of 55k. fancy me chances as game full of internet qualifiers and some very dodgy and poor players. however this soon changes when i get to my table to see a wsop bracelet winner, 2 high profile pros and a recent gukpt winner, not to mention 2 other gukpt final tablists. FML 273 runners 223 dead wood and i got the table from hell!!!!!!!!!!!!. seated in between the 2 most aggressive players on table gave me little room for manouvre and it was a total grind for 5 hours to get my starting 10k stack up to 16k and very hard work. then this happened im on the big blind with 10 10 and the button(a very nervous internet qualifier) makes it 700 to go on 150 - 300 blinds. sb passes so i flat and flop comes a lovely 10 2 4 rainbow. check and button continues for 1250 chips, and as i cant see a reason to raise here as the board is draw dead i flat call. turn brings the K clubs, lovely i think if he has AK so i check again and bingo he bets 2.6k. i tank for a bit and then rasie to 6k. he slumps in his chair and says ' wow what have i done i cant pass now as ive only got 3k left so he calls and flips 3 8 of clubs over. look again at board and realise the 2 was a club as well as king and yep bingo river is the 9 clubs. lol then very next hand he raises again and i look down at AA so i min raise him back everyone else passes and he ships i insta call he flips 10 10. flop is 2 3 4 turn 10 river J and see ya later. was not too disappointed as never really got into the tourney and was freerolling anyway so called dawn who had come down, se came and picked me up and we went home even though we had hotel room paid for.

so saturday just gone travel down to leeds to play in the coral british poker masters tour £500 main event. 99 regged and fellow forum members roscopiko, madasawasp and full tilit also in game. get off to good start and after 3 hours have my stack up to 34k from 10k and feeling really good, well into game and really really happy with my table as i got 3 calling stations, a regular over bettor who thinks AJ is good enough to flat with after a raise and re raise on 100-200 blind level and 2 ' internet jammers' who have not hit puberty yet but commentate on every hand and basically give their strategy away by their constant banter. take a bit of hit when i raise 3 times with either AQ or 99 and get re raised every time and decide to pass all 3 times, and the nice re raisers kindly show me AK when i had AQ twice and QQ when i had 99- from which i think i grew a couple of inches as i really felt in the zone then. the middle levels of the first day flew by and before i knew we were down to 40 players. got moved tables then which i did not like as i was really comfortable and felt it even more when i saw i had been moved to the 2 chip leaders table, both of who had over 120k when average was 23k!!!!!!!!. also couple of really good players - allen mclean and tom mcdonald also on table so knew it would be a grind. anyway grind away again and just about manage to keep my stack around 25k with some raises and steals and look at screen again to see we are down to 19 players!!! wow had been so engrossed in the game had not noticed people flying out and then looked at the time and it was nearly 1am. tourney director announces next level would be last. kinda thinking just mungle through to next day and then re assess but then decide i want a chance to win the event so pray for some cards. then this happens 25 mins to go and short stack shoves from seat 4 for 9k. i look down at 77 and push all in for 23k. BB tanks for a while and passes 88. guy flips 66 and in my head i pray to hold just once. flop is 2 7 8 all clubs and yep he got the 6 of clubs. turn is 9 of diamonds and now im having kittens cos surely Mrcardguard is never gonna blank the river with so many cards to beat him but halleluhah J s hits river and stack up to 35k. just calming down and stacking me chips when dealer says ' on you sir ' i look up to find under the gun has shipped all in for 35k on 800 - 1600 blinds(and this guy has a wsop bracelet). look down to see 10 10- and the dtd sky game horrors of 10 10 immeadiately flash into my head. have a little think and decide if i wanna win tourney i gotta call as 95% time i will be in front. so i ship to and everyone passes and i pray its a small pair and not 2 overs and yee haa he has 88. flop is 6 7 9 ffs not again but again blank blank and suddenly im on 75k. play ends 20 mins later with same stack and im exstatic as there are only 14 players left and im 7th in chips.

go to my hotel shattered, grab a shower and fall asleep almost immeadiately in my boxers and a tee shirt. then at 4am the fucking fire alarm goes off and the room phone is screaming ' this is not a drill please evacuate'. totally rangooned and nee idea where i am i run out of me room and down the stairs only to realise when i get to bottom that im only in boxers and tee shirt nee shoes or socks. so i turn to go back up and the manager wont let me. ffs i say its obvioulsy some pissed idiots thats set it off and i cant go outside like this. but he wont relent, ffs its my decision if i wanna burn baby burn surely, so outside i go half naked and the lovely staff give me a tee towel and a normal towel to keep me warm- wow . anyways fire brigade come and im back in room an hour later. then cant sleep so toss and turn till 6am and drop off - only to be woken at 6.45am by my mobile ringing. so answer it and hear teamdobbs dulcite tones telling me Mr e is still in his wsop event with 500 left. cheers is say but its fucking 6.45am in morning and i need to sleep. fall asleep again and what seems like 10 mins later maid is knocking and its time to get up and get ready.

so day 2 and everyone decides to give next 4 out £250 so i think ok at least i can say i cashed whatever happens. quickly down to 11 when its my sb and utg pushes all in for 25k. i look down at AQ and call and he flips A3 clubs and board comes Q 8 4 all diamonds weeeeeeeeeeee 2 on turn gives him draw out but Q on river and im up to 98k and 10 left. final table is 9 but 10th gets a grand so i think the small stacks maybe will push so wont be a long bubble and decide to shut off till final. bubble lasts an hour and then its final and i sit down with 82k on 1500 - 3000 blinds and 300 antes - so plenty play and im aboot 6th in chips but next 2 above me are very close also. get really bad seat draw as the most aggresive player by miles who has the chip lead is immeadiately to my right and this proved troublesome all through the final as he entered 85% of the pots with a raise and made it very hard for me to get in first. re raised him couple of times but knocked that on the head when he re shipped me all in and i had to pass 88 even though i was pretty sure i was ahead. final was hard work as the room was boiling and play was very slow. eventually 3 people bust out and we are down to 6. my stack is down to 60k but there is a lower stack and another of around 100k so i still dont panic as i still got fair bit of play. then is happens eddie lunden raises to 8k and its passed to me and i look down at AK. i tank for a bit basically counting my chips and trying to work out if its a ship or re raise and decide to shove. his face and actions tell me im in front and he counts out his chips and sees if he calls the 51k re raise he will be left with 40k. reluctently he calls and i say you got AQ to which he says no worse and flips A 10!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for me but short lived as 10 flops and i brick and sadly im oot in 6th and totally gutted.

go straight out to the smoking cage and sit in chair and puff a couple of tabs reflecting on what could have been and also thinking roles reversed i can never call there with A10. wanted the call all day though and as he was tanking i was trying to acf so weak and it worked cos he told me afterwards he thought i was weak and he had me on air.

all in all though i had a great time really enjoyed the game , great structure and proved to my self and anyone who doubted me that i can actually play the game. i did not make one mistake all tourney, i never made a bad call and laid down few really strong hands that were all losing. every time my whole stack was at risk(twice in 2 days - not too shabby) i was miles in front and every time i made a call for a good chunk of my stack my read was good and i was miles in front. playing perfect poker for 2 solid days gives me more pleasure than cashing as i had seriously began to doubt if i could play the game. just for info 6th was £2250.

my appetite for the bigger games has returned and i have decided that i will only play the bigger tournies from now on, aspers £75. grosvna £100 and circus £50 and the rest of the coral masters tour and gukpt tour.

for once this is one very happy poker player and also had some great craic over the 2 days. i had my forum shirt on and i was amazed at how many people came up to me and said ' your cardguard aint ya' and im like yeah how do ya know. most of em had been at our forum championships or have read the NPF. big up to new forum member andy1966 who plays for raise the river, and recognised me and we had great chat and he is a lovely guy- was pleasure to meet him again.

also some of ya may know i used to live near leeds so i know quite a few of the local players and lol when 3 of em came up to me and said ' i seen ya on youtube with that guy doing that dance'. unreal but be assured the NPF is well known and has become a well respected forum throughout the country. fuck me some of the lads down there were still talking about the forum game from feb and all asked when the next one is

ok enough drivel until next time

cgk checking out

Mr E DOES VEGAS

Mr E DOES VEGAS

Hi DOBBA ATCHERS just sat and typed up a full post re arrival and games played but network collapsed ffs.
So heres the shortened version
arrived 5.30 checked in showered and changed met friends from San Diego up at Tropicana for dinner lobster three course special $29 per head very nice.
Head over to Rio after doubling up on three card poker weeeeeeeee
$230 for my $100
meet dc in bar and after couple of vodkas its down to the poker hall and fuck me its awesome sight TV does fuck all for it you have to see it to believe it.
Look over at feature table in the main room and fuck me Dan Negreanu my poker hero sitting talking to TV crew, call him over and say 2 minutes of your time mate he says " you got 90 seconds " pass phone to dc for photo with kid poker and bollox nee flash and he’s off back to the TV people (gutted) as no proof now just a very dark pic .
Any way dc heads off to bed and me and Mrs E head back to the Venetian for some cash action. SIT DOWN ON A 1-2 NO LIMIT TABLE $200 SIT DOWN MAX AND SIT TIGHT AND ABC POKER FOR A FEW LAPS LOUD YANK KEEPS RAISIN MY BB AND FINALY SHOUTS ON NEXT LAP BLIND RAISE $10 I LOKK DOWN ON MY BB AT J 10 OFF I CALL AND FLOP COMES 9 10 J HE BETS $15 I CALL TURN COMES Q HE BETS $25 I SMOOTH CALL AND RIVER IS A J HE BETS $50 I SHOVE HE INSTA CALLS AND FLIPS OVER J 9 THEN WAILS AS DEALER SHIPS TO MR E "HEY I HAVE A HOUSE !" DEALER RESPONDS "YES SIR BUT THE BRIT HAS A BIGGER ONE "NICE POT AND IM OFF TO BED VERY PLEASED WITH MY NIGHT.
THURSDAY MEET DC FOR BREAKFAST UP AT THE VENETIAN AS THE WOMEN GO SHOPPING WE PLAY A LITTLE CASH THEN HEAD TO BILLS FOR A CHEAP TOURNEY TO PASS A COUPLE OF HOURS.
ARRIVE AT BILLS HUGE CARDROOM 3 TABLES ALL CASH AND NO TOURNEY SO ITS OFF TO HARRAHS FOR THE AFTERNOON $100 GAME DC GOES OUT AFTER SECOND BREAK HOWEVER 20 MIN CLOCK AND THIS SOON BECOMES A SHOVE FEST I SCRAPE TO FINAL TABLE WELL SHORT WITH 5500 ON 1500 3000 BLINDS AND BANG ONLY 8 MAKE THE FINAL TABLE AND TOP 7 GET PAID, I DRAW SEAT 3 AND IM THINKING FOOKING GREAT STRAIGHT ON BB BUT WAIT DEALER ANNOUNCES HIGH CARD FOR BUTTON AND YES YOU GUESSED IT SEAT 1 GETS THE FUCKING BUTTON AND IM BB LOOK DOWN AT Q 5 OFF LATE POSITION RAISES AND ITS A NO BRAINER AS HOPE IM LIVE SHOVE IT IN AND FLOP COMES 9 HIGH TO HIS A9 HIT 5 ON TURN AND THATS IT OUT ON THE BUBBLE.
HOPE THE WSOP IS A LITTLE BETTER STANDARD AS SAW SOME QUESTIONABLE PLAY TO SAY THE LEAST.
GOT THE TICKETS TO SEE THE JERSEY BOYS IN THE VENETIAN TOMORROW NIGHT.
THEN ITS WSOP GOING OVER TO REGISTER TONIGHT.

HAVING A GREAT TIME HERE WEATHER IS AMAZING 95 + HOWEVER MUST ADMIT MISS ME PALS WHO ARE NORMALY HERE WITH US .................

MR AND MRS CARDGUARD
MARK COOKE
NIEL
ROB

ITS A BIT STRANGE WITHOUT YOU GUYS

NEW YORK NEW YORK IS A WONDERFUL TOWN

NEW YORK NEW YORK IS A WONDERFUL TOWN

HI Dobba watchers and greetings from the Big Apple,
Well what can I say very sad to be leaving New York as we have had an amazing time,
Trip Kicked off with Mrs E doing her impression of pope john paul as she kissed the carpet at JFK after falling face first down the escalator. weather hasnt been great in new york overcast and rain however that didnt dampen the spirits and no serious injuries to the wife, three days non stop walking and subway trains as we tried to fit all the sites in,
Picture is me on times sqaure with a huge grin as that is all ive done since we arrived absolutely fabulous place to be.
Saturday check out and head for the airport for leg two of the trip and San Diego arrive in plenty of time to check in and this is where the fun starts. We wait in a que for about 25 minutes to check in when the obnoxous prick at the desk says "YOU CAN`T CHECK IN WITHOUT A BOARDING PASS " so I said no mate we need a boarding pass from you thats how it works in the rest of the civilised world !.
he comes back and says no you have to get your boarding passes from a machine with a touch screen
, so we fuck on with this screen that wants to know the far end of a fart and my zip code ????? we stick in our post code and the machine crashes FFS.
Finaly get it sorted back to the desk we go to be informed that its $15 per case in the hold and Mrs E`s case is 7 kg over weight and thats another $90 ( yeah that`l be right )
so we rearange and re pack and weigh the cases on a seprate scale 51 kg and 49kg ( that will do im thinking ) go back to the arsehole and he weighs the cases 47kg and 49kg FUCKING CON!!! as we have only readjusted the cases and havn`t removed anything, so we get sorted and off to the gate we go flight due to leave at 5.20 pm, 5pm comes and we are on a bus on the way to the aircraft i`m thinking no way are getting off the ground at 5.20pm( RIGHT AGAIN) as we are 17th in line to take off from JFK and sit on the tarmac until 7,10pm so arrive in Cincinatti 10 minutes late for the conection to San Diego and we are fucked as thats it until tomorrow so for the sake of 10 lousy minutes Delta Airlines had to put up 27 people in the Sheraton Hotel (how much did that cost ???).
San siego blog to come followed by my WSOP blog
HAVING A BALL "HAPPY DAYS "

Pet Taxi 4: When Hammer met Sally!!!!!

Pet Taxi 4: When Hammer met Sally!!!!!

BE WARNED: THOSE WITH A NERVOUS DISPOSITION DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Areet lads.

As I stated in previous posts on the Pet Taxi chronicles I have a BR on life support with no way of reloading at the moment. haven't the patience or the Ego to play my way out of this horrendous downswing in the micro's so I thought I'd throw a few more shifts in and reload with the cash earned.

Day 4.

I wake early, make our lasses breakfast, have my own, see her off to work.

Watch a few things I had recorded on sky plus. Time flew and soon enough it was 12pm.

12-1PM: Flicked laptop on and had a rummage around the forum.

1PM: Left the house to go the 5 minutes journey to a college round the corner to complete the first week of five of my customer service course. (Don't laugh)

4PM: Nipped into T-MOBILE call centre to get the van keys from my sisters lass (Emma) and swapped them for my car keys.

4.15PM: Arrive at Triple A animal centre and kennels to pick up Darren.

My sister told me that Darren is a friend who lives close to her. In her words he's a rough one but he's ok at the same time. "Always good to have him on your side in times of trouble" she says.

Darren has had his dog (Sally) to obedience classes, she dropped him off earlier and was too busy to pick him up hence the reason she wanted me to go.

4.20PM: Darren walks out of the building (fuck me!) dead ringer for Lenny "THE GUVNER" McLean from Lockstock.

By his side is Sally. My first thought's were this dog (a Rottweiler) was the Nikolay Valuev,the Russian Heavyweight boxer of the K-9 world. This fucker was HUGE.

I'm not a fighter by any means but I would say I could look after myself if need be to a certain extent but, FUCK ME! I was feeling very intimidated even though I had no need to be. Just the site of these two big bastards had my arse twitching.

Anyway he comes over, I get out the van and greet him. He introduces himself, gives me a warm but very fucking firm handshake and we engage in a little bit small talk while we get the Beast into the van.

While doing so I ask him how the training is going, he tells me it's going well but the lady who takes the classes doesn't like the little trick he does with the dog.

Like a proper numpty I ask what the trick is. "I'll show you" he says with a wicked grin on his face.

"Do you trust me" he asks?

Not sure whether I have the bottle to say no I say "yes".

"Ok" he says. "Open the cage back up and stick your head in"
WTF??? Now I'm fucking bricking it but fuck it! he wouldnt ask me to do this if she's dangerous and the fact that she goes to obedience classes tells me he's probably a responsible owner.

I open the cage and lean in. "Tell her to speak" he says.

I timidly say to this slavering monster "speak".
Just as I do this he grabs me from behind and holds me there. Like I said he's a big bastard and has me held tight,head and body half inside the cage.
I'm like WTF is this twat doing? He says "ASK HER AGAIN" I duly oblige thinking what the fucks going on here like? FUCKIN HELL!
I mumble the word "SPEAK" to Sally again. This time the top lip raises and the teeth come out and she's fucking snarling inches from my terrified face.



Saliva dripping from her jaws. He shouts "SPEAK" whch makes her start to bark aswell s snarl. (I've literally shit my pants now) I'm saying "Haway Darren, good one mate let me go ffs".

He instantly lets me go and starts laughing like Vincent Price at the end of the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video.

Thank fuck for that!!!!!!

Anyway, thats my ordeal for the day right? FUCKIN WRONG!!!!

We sat off to get them both back home to Pennywell. Anyone from Sunderland knows its like the Bronx. (no jokes)

We pull onto the A19 and again, engage in chit-chat. Sound bloke I'm thinking.

Then my mobile goes, I glance down to the centre console and see it's Sis on the display.

She said she'd only ring if it's important and as I have bluetooth in my car and dont need a headset I thought I'd have to answer it.

I don't condone use of mobiles whilst driving but felt I had to answer the call.

I take a look in my mirrors and the road is surprisingly empty except for a motorbike some way behind me.

She starts talking about a dog that's been found and would I pick it up and run it down to Cleadon (all extra cash I'm thinking) anyway, I ask Darren to get the notepad and take down the address details for me. We're going through this proccess and the biker is now alongside us.
He's motioning something, I can't see what, but get the feeling he's not happy with me driving and being on the phone.

I ignore him and relay the rest of the address to Darren.

By the time we've finished and hung up the phone this fella's going berserk.

Darren says "who's this daft cunt? wind the window down" not one for argueing I duly oblige. He shouts "what's your fucking problem you daft bastard?"

The blokes still going nuts, Darren says "FUCK THIS TWAT" then motions for the bloke to pull over.

The biker speeds up and pulls ahead of us and indicates to pull over and stop.

"Pull over Dave, I'm not taking that from this fucking cock"

WHAT DO YOU DO??? There's no way I'm argueing with this fella.
I pull over.

Darren jumps out of the van and says " HAWAY THEN YA DAFT CUNT"

Biker, cool as you like dismounts, removes the back pack frm his back and opens it and pulls out a fucking claw hammer. WTF???? MY HEAD'S IN BITS NOW.

Whips off his helmet and says " HAWAY THEN BIG MAN".

Darren dissapears from the side of the van. I'm thinking wtf? you soft cunt,, you're massive. Ok the blokes got a hammer but thought he was riled enough to ignore it and "punch his head in".

Then I thought if he's ran I'm fucked here and got the van into gear to take evasive action if needed

Then, I hear the back doors of the van swing open and just fucking know what's about to go off. I'm thinking OMFG THIS IS UGLY!

Darren reappears at the side of the van, Sally in hand shouting "what you gonna do with that ya daft cunt?"

Like I need this. We're at the side of the A19. Two fucking nutcases, one with a hammer and one with a fucking 10 stone Rottweiler. LOL.

Anyway, after a few expletives I decide to get out the van and try and diffuse the situation. First thing that popped into my head was the Diner scene from Pulp Fiction. Being totally nervous and shitting my pants at the same time I think of JULES saying "BE COOL" "WE'RE ALL LIKE FONZIES,,WHAT IS FONZY YOLANDE? COOL?" In all my nervousness this made me laugh. This only raised the temperatures higher. Both started whailing " PUT THE FUCKING HAMMER DOWN" "NO, PUT THE FUCKING DOG AWAY"
5 minutes of this went by and we were no closer to a compromise. These two idiots are still going at it hammer and tongs. (no pun intended)

Eventually Darren says "FUCK THIS!" says to me "Hold the dog" while I'm standing there like a spare prick at a lesbian convention.

Runs over to the bloke and body slams him to the ground. I've never seen anyone get a hiding like this bloke, and t make matters worse he picks up the blokes hammer and starts smashing his bike up. OMFG NOOOOOOO! Shouts over to me to put Sally back in the van (bloke still SPARKO) and then gets back in the van making a hasty getaway.

Get back to his, get Sally out the back, quick handshake, tells me "was nice meeting you mate, sorry about the hassle" pays me and retreats into the house.

5 Minutes later I'm home, adrenelin still shooting through my veins.

Thinking, YES, YOU GUESSED IT. "FUCKING NEVER AGAIN".

The Pet Taxi driver!!!

The Pet Taxi driver!!!

Bit of a cult following now so only thought it fair to show you who the famous man is

Here he is in all his fame n glory, the one and only Cowhead and Pet Taxi Driver extrodinaire!!!!

My holiday observations

My holiday observations

Cardguards Holiday Story

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a few of ya know me amd Mrs CG went away to lanzarote for a week and got back on thursday night. now i have been to lanzarote 6 times previously and its by far and away the best canary island.

anyways mrs cg has become acustomed to the finer things in life so no appartment / hotel it has to be a villa with own pool etc. after she had booked a 4 bedroom villa for me and her - dont ask me why ffs it was big enough for half the NPF to have stayed in, she then decided she would ask her sister and our 5 year old nephew and 13 year old neice if they wanted to come too as they been having troubles at home - did not have a problem with this at all but realized it might not be the quiet relaxing week i had planned!!!!.

so off we ventured to newcastle airport to catch the plane on thurs morning. didnt even know who we were flying with as dawn had sorted it all so was bit disappointed to find out it was jet2. got on plane and my fears were realized our seats were the ones in front of the toilets so they dont recline!!. wedges me self into my seat which to be honest the geek or ridla would of had trouble fitting into and think ' its only a 4 hour flight and ive done vegas 5 times so it will fly by. how very fucking wrong i was. i was in aisle seat , my 5 year old nephew in middle and his mum (dawns sister) in window seat - dawn and my neice across aisle. we take off and i look across aisle and dawn and neice are both asleep, mouths wide open in dream land. then to my horror look to my left and dawns sister is asleep too( she hates flying and had fired down 2 diazapans to settle her nerves- apparantely these also act as sleeping tablets). then i look at the little un and bingo he is wide awake and restless and it dawns on me that its down to me to keep him amused till the rest wake up. 10 mins in - i want a drink, 25 mins - i want some crisps, - 40 mins- i need the toilet, 1 hour - i want some sweets, 90 mins - im bored i need my colouring books, 2 hours - i need my power rangers ffs hard work this lad!! mingled in with this is the fact my arse has gone completly numb, all i can smell is piss and shit wafting from the bogs, and even worse when someone is having a dump i could here it all in all its glory - one bloke poor sod sounded if half the world was coming oot of his arse and he was even wimpering and crying at one point.

anyways in my attempts to keep him amused i got the cards oot and tried to teach him to play poker - gotta start em young these days - but alas he could not get to grips with the concept of the check raise or my advanced floating plays so i gave up. lets play snap he says so we did - and fuck me i ran so bad cos i did not realise that apart from the obvious 7 on 7 is snap in 5 year old games 2 of clubs is also snap when placed on jack of diamonds - wow i was completley owned and in the end decided i would play by his rules and so i called snap for the whole deck when i placed the 8 of spades on the ace of hearts. jumped up fist pumped and shouted get in only to look at him shaking his head saying ' thats not snap you are cheating'. fml then he went in huff and wanted to start a fight!!! at this point i decided i had been left in lurch for too long and ' accidently' grabbed his mothers leg and woke her up. anyways the last hour of flight went smooth and we landed and through to car rental place no hassle.

got keys and went to find car and ffs its a toyota yaris!!! perfect for me and dawn but not so good for 5 of us. open boot to find not even one of the cases would fit in let alone 3!!!. so do some thinking and put the back 3 seats down, get the cases in and then get the in laws in the back sat on the cases!!! not ideal as they cant use the seat belts but only a 15 min trip to villa so sure they can handle it. arrive at villa - all is good there and whoopie time to start the holiday.

week flys by without much incident except that the young lad does not know the meaning of having a lie in and cos he loves his uncle stevieboy so much its me he wakes up every morning at 7 am to sort his brekkie out and keep him amused!!! after 4 days of this i say ' why dont ya wake ya mam up tomorrow instead to which he replies' i did the first day and she told me not to do it again but wake you up instead!!! ffs stitched up again.

only couple of down points - the exchange rate, everything is about same price as last time i went but cos the euro is so shit it made everything really expensive, a neice and nephew that wanted something from every shop and being the soft twat i am they got it and the fact that the whole island is dead due to recession in england. so thurs comes round again and its home time. get to airport in plenty of time, check in and happy days as they have a smoking terrace. so we parked ourselves out on the terrace and waited there the hour before we board the plane.

then disaster - we have to board plane at 1.55pm and its 1.57pm so we decided to go to gate(2 mins away) we collect up our stuff and as we walk off i drop a full closed bottle of coke on the floor - fml it doesnt bounce or burst but it kinda splits and starts spinning on the floor with a jet of coke spurting oot - like a catherine wheel. now i have a pair of white shorts on and a pink polo shirt and yep ya guessed it i got the fucking brunt of the coke all over me shirt and shorts. coulda been worse cos the 4 poor ladies sat to our right all got full force too and the lasting image as we scurried off was of one woman standing up and coke dripping off her nose, chin and hair!!!!.

so there i was with my clothes covered in coke 5 mins late on boarding plane and deciding there was no way i could get on plane like this. ran around airport looking for a shop that sold clothes and after a frantic 10 mins found one that sold souvenier tee shirts and shorts. happy days so i ask ' ya got owt in my size' to which the spanish assistant says ' i get for you' and comes back with a choice of 5 outfits - 3 very floral shirts and shorts - no way hosay, one in the most luminous yellow ya ever seen, again no way and the best of a bad bunch - a tee shirt that says ' lanzarote pirates' on the front and has a big skull and cross bones on the back - not my style but will have to do. slip tee shirt on and ffs its 2 sizes too small, as are the shorts. they will have to do says dawn the plane takes off in 15 mins and they have just put a call oot for us. so i slip into my ' new outfit' in the changing room while dawn pays and out i stroll, to be met by howls of laughter. mainly by dawn at my new attire. some pissed english bloke shouts ' oi mate ya look like a fat daffyd from little britain' to which he got the one finger salute from me and more screams of laughter from dawn

so off we ran to the plane, the shorts riding up the crack of me arse and the tee shirt up over me belly. then it hit me - we would be last on the plane and our seats were near the back - i would have to walk up the full length of the plane looking a twat.

we got on and as i took me ' walk of shame' i was met with more howls of laughter and some wolf whistles, and although i dont embarras easily i just wanted the ground to swallow me up i was so embarassed.

uneventful flight home and had a result as our cases where the first 3 off, so i grabbed some clothes out of the case and got changed and felt normal again.

roll on the next one!!!!!!!!!!!

Not long now

Not long now

Hi dobba watchers,
Well not long now to the jollies 3 more sleeps, but what a week. Its been my oldest grandaughters first Holy Communion so the preparation has been going on for a couple of weeks with Mrs Entertainment organising venue / decorations /buffet/ cakes/ disco /clowns and face painters,
Now you Know me anything for an easy life but FFS how many people are going ???????????.Friday night and im at the venue setting up the disco and helping inflate hundreds of balloons ( why?) kids pop them on contact, pissed adults suck out the helium and try to sound like Jim Davidson and younger kids fight over them.Anyway leave the venue and head home so Mrs E can now spend the rest of the night and most of the early hours preparing ... pies /sarnies/cakes/wraps/stuffed eggs/sausage rolls/various pies and quiche/seafood platters/fresh fruitplatters/ AND A SEPERATE BUFFET FOR THE KIDS WITH SWEETS /CAKES/ SARNIES basicaly enough food to feed every member of the human race residing in the North of England.Its when we arrive home I get the question "whats the matter with your face?" I respond "HOW MANY ARE GOING ?"The answer 250..I say you may have just gone a little over the top to which I get your a grumpy old twat (ok I,l take that but me thinks too much bait but we will see)
Saturday and the car is loaded with the seafood platters ect and its off to church (CATHOLIC)now anyone who isnt a catholic (me included) needs to know you get your monies worth here two hours singing and wailing .... but the best bit was Mrs E being ushered to the front row with her daddy right in front of the preist so you will have to sing !!!!! as hes watching you lolol so after the service and photos its off to the party venue and await the 250 ?
7 tressel tables await the hungry laden with food cakes and sweets theres stuff in the venues fridges to reload the tables absolutely mountains of the stuff and how many turn up ???????????????????????? NOT TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY ...............So im in the bad books for saying better take plenty of binbags (what a fookin waste)and the car fookin stinks of sea food ...............................

Poker front played Aspers Thursday game £30 freezout and like this game 70 odd runners and get down to final 15 with 45k in chips when short stack utg shoves preflop for 8.5k I look down at 99 so decide to call thinking dont like my position and can get away from a reraise should any one shove over me any way folds round to sb who calls and bb folds. Flop comes 957 rainbow and I think wow cha ching sb checks so do I and turn brings a 6 sb bets half his stack 10k and I think wtf ? I reraise him all in and he insta calls showing q 8 off he actualy called the original all in with q 8 off .So Im down to 20k and I think come on you can recover. Next hand I get AQ and shove taking the limpers and the blinds. The very next hand I get the same again AQ and shove to find QQ waiting for me flop comes QA5 and no further improvement and Im gone in 14th.Still enjoyed the game and the crack was canny with Chipmunk feeding his face as always

OFF TO NEW YORK / SAN DIEGO /AND VEGAS and having a crack at the $1500 bracelet event in the WSOP so keep an eye as I will be blogging updates from the usa ..

Pet Taxi 3 - the ongoing story

Pet Taxi 3 - the ongoing story

After a bad few weeks at the virtual felt and a lot of anger and frustraion, mainly self inflicted I decided that I need to make a few quid the good old fashioned hard way.

After turning Sis down a number of times for obv rerasons and the fact that some of you have taken great pleasure in reading about my misfortunes I decided yesterday I would give it another go.

I figured " I'd take one for the team" whilst putting a few quid in my pocket at the same time.

Ok, here goes.

Normal Saturday morning sitting at home with my lass having breakfast.

Phone rings.

Sis " are you doing anything tonight?"
Me "No"
Sis "you do know I have a contract with the council now for picking up strays?"
Me "yep, you mentioned something the other week"
Sis " I am going to a party tonight and want to have a drink and relax, would you take the van and standby for any calls that come in? With it being a new contract I don't want to say no to a call so soon after just securing the deal? It would really be a help if you would do it for me"
(talk about putting the pressure on cos we're family)

My being a soft twat I agree to do it.
It means I can't have a drink obviously but then again I'm trying to cut down as my midriff is spreading with age and 8 cans a night doesn't help.

She then explains the way this contract works is:

If you get a call from the Police or a member of the public saying they have found a stray dog you ask them if they have the dog secured ready for pick up.
Basically all you need to know this for is because it's possible you get there and the dogs fucked off and you have no dog to drop off to the kennels and you don't get paid. Simples!

If someone calls and the dog has a tag with a phone number or an address tag on then tell that person to contact the owner themselves as - again - if it odesnt go to the kennels you don't get paid. Again Simples! (common sense really)

You only get paid if you get the dog to the kennels and log it in on the sheet provided.

So she drops the van off at 7pm and tells me she has made an appointment for the following morning for some lady in South Shields (pick up 7.45am. Do I want to take it myself or drop the van off for her early?

I decide (against my better judgement) to take it as she's going out and no'one who's been out on a Saturday night wants to be up at 6.30am right?

So me and my lass are sitting watching TV. She's drinking a glass (or 3) of Barolo red. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her glancing in my direction with every sip, fucking teasing me.

Anyway I manage to get through the next 3 or 4 hours with the help of the Darts on SKY.

We go to bed around 11ish, flick the telly on in the bedroom and snug in to watch a movie called "STREET KINGS" (great flick btw)

As always, our lass falls asleep half way through. I manage to keep my eyes open to see the end and switch off the telly to finally settle down and get some rest.

It's around 1am now and I start to toss and turn, the works phone next to me on the bedside table.

You know when you're expecting a phone call of some importance and can't relax? Well, this may explain why I didn't manage to drop off till around 4am.

Well, this heaveny state of unconsiousness was rudely interupted by a whailing "GOOD MORNING VIETNAM" what a fucking ringtone! (the queer fucker has done that on purpose I'm sure.)

Bloke: "Hello mate, I've found a dog in the street and the bizzies gave me your number"

Me: "Ok mate, do you have the dog secure?"
Bloke: "Yes mate it's in the garden now"
Me: "It can't get out?"
Bloke: "No mate."
Me: "Does it have a tag with any contact details?"
Bloke: "No mate"
Me: "Ok mate gis the address I'll be there soon"

He gives me the address and it's very close to my house so I'm reasonably happy I don't have to go around the world to get there. (one plus at least)

So I get dressed quickly and set off. It's now 5.15am and I'm shattered. WTF these people are doing up at 5am in the morning I don't know. (prolly playing a tourney on stars)

I arrive at the address, I won't say where for reasons you will agree with later.

It's a rough area close to me that I know of well, and it's the sort of place you don't want to be alone at that time of night as anything and everything could happen. (and often does)

So I open the front gate and then I notice it.

Fucking, git big reinforced front door with a hatch like Paddy McGuire's in Shameless. (OMFG WHY ME?)

I tap on the door and the hatch opens. Behind it is a face that looks like he's had a few 2nd places in his time.

Bloke: "Are you the dog bloke?"
Me: "Aye."
Bloke: "2 minutes mate"
Hatch closes, I can hear multiple bolts being unbolted (lmfao, talk about being fucking discrete about what you do mate)
Door opens, BAM! I'm instantly high. I don't smoke dope or take drugs but I might start after being engulfed by the cloud that hit me,lol.

The place looked like a scene from Backdraft, either that or fucking Lewis Hamilton had parked his McClaren in the front room and fired it up for the lads to hear the engine purr.

I follow the bloke inside, keeping my head down cos I don't want to see anything that I might be killed for before I make it back out the front door.

I follow him through the passageway into an open plan kitchen/dining room.

Bean bags all over the floor, people spaced out smoking and drinking.
Imagine the scene from Lockstock and 2 smoking barrels at the "Herb" growers place and you get the picture.

One lad pipes up " Ere gadgie! Do you get paid for this like?"
(course I do you fuking numpty. Do you think I do this for fun like?)
"Yes mate"
"So do i get a dropsy like? I'm the one that found it?"
"No mate,,sorry" (In the nicest possible manner obv, just hoping his name isn't Andreas)


So I get through to the back garden and see the dog, it's a young Staffie about 6 months old.
Anyone who has ever had a Staffie knows how flighty and strong they are, even at this age.
I manage to get this little wormy twat on the lead I brought and lead him back through the house and out the door saying bye to the lads on the way out (not that they noticed for obvious reasons)

Get him to the van and try to get him in.
The little twat is thrashing all over and doesn't seem to like the look of the big cage in the back.
After what seemed like an age to get the fucker in and seeing my 25 quid slip away a few times when he almost got away, he was in.

Drove down to Cleadon, stuck him in the pen, filled out the paperwork and left to head off home.

Got home, looked at the clock. Now, it's not worth going back to bed as I have the South Shields pick up at 7.45am.

So I sit for a while, can't fire up the kettle for a cuppa as this would wake the sleeping dragon upstairs.

I set the alarm on my phone incase I dose off and wait.

I manage to stay awake until it's time to leave by watching the banner on Sky sports news (with the sound down)

I'm thinking get through this next hour Dave and you're home free mate.

7.45am.

Arrive at the South Shields address. (Somewhere in WhiteLeas) no the nicest of places but, fuck it! I'll be outta here in 5 mins.

The door of number 12 opens. Some scraggy little mutt runs out. Then another. Then another. Another, Another. WTF???????

8 Dogs, YES! FUCKING 8! and the owner. Now, I'm not one for judging people by their appearance but WOW!!!!!!!!

First thing that sprung to mind was a combination of Jo Brand and Amy Winehouse.

This lass was huge. Black hair with red highlights. Tattoo's on every part of her exposed flesh. Neck, fingers,arms. (when she bent over to pick one of the smaller mutts up to get it into the van,I notice another at the base of her spine, not that you could see her spine but you know the region I'm talking about)

We manage to get all 8 mutts into the cage in the back.
There were noses, fur and arse ends poking through the bars everywhere by the time they were all in.

We both get in the front. She's that big I hardly have room to get to the gear stick without touching her.

7.55 I fire up the van and set off.

7.56 It hits me!

A strange, yet fucking manky sex smell.

Anyone who has had a right good session in a warm bedroom will know the aroma I'm talking about but there's a strong smell of sweat mixed in.
(OMFG, ISN'T ANYONE CUSTOMER FUCKING NORMAL FFS?)

I open the window to the max, and we exchange general chit chat.
She tells me she has to put the dogs in the kennels for the day when she works Sundays as she does a 12 hour shift on that particular day.

She leaves the dogs there for the day unless her nephew has stayed round her place the previous night with his g/friend. As her sister (his mother) doesn't like them staying at her house as they keep her up all night making a racket shagging.

She told me she doesn't mind them staying when she's going out on a Saturday night cos she'll probably have her "fuck buddy" round afterwards and be up all night aswell. Basically doing him a favour and in return he stays there all day Sunday and watches the dogs, lol.

I'm gobsmacked at how open some people are when you first meet them and how little shame they have.

Anyway, I indicate to turn right at a T - junction to head to Washington and she tells me to "go left" "Lisa always takes me to McDonalds on the way" "John's got me fucking knackered I need breakfast ,fucking hell, he was on form last neet"
I'm thinking " from the fucking smell of you pet I can well believe it"

Pull up to the drive through she tells me to order "3 DOUBLE sausage and egg mcmuffin meals."

Yes! 3 DOUBLES!!! WTF?

We pull away and engage in more chit chat, all the time I can see her feeling more at ease with me and looking quite confident.

"You're better looking than Lisa said you were" Oh fuck off! I'm thinking, I have a feeling I know where this is going.

My foot gets a bit heavy on the accelerator now.

5 mins we're there Dave, (I tell myself). Hang in mate.

We're getting closer to our destination and she's coming on really strong now.

Saying things like " so do you have a lass then?" "Does she take care of you, if you know what I mean?"

Fuck me! It's Sunday morning, 8 fucking howling dogs in the back, a 25 clem, sex stenched lass sitting next to me with her 3 breakfasts on her lap, obviously still horny from the ragging all over she's just had off her "buddy".

We got eventually get there, drop off the hounds and head to her place of work which she says is only "5 more minutes away".

" I don't start till 9 if you fancy going for a drive or stopping off somewhere quiet?"

LMFAO, now I'm feeling really uncomfortable like.

"I'm sorry pet, I have another job right after this"
Like fuck do I but haway!

The 5 minute drive to her work only took 2 minutes obviously and dropped her off.


Thank fuck for that. As soon as she got out the suspension lifted about 12 inches and the green haze slowly started to disappear.

I got home, her smell is clinging to me still. I strip naked, jump in the shower. If you had seen me I was like Ace Ventura after he found out the woman he'd just been with was actually a bloke. The film "crying game" springs to mind. Repeatedly reminding myself that this was DEFFO THE LAST TIME!!!

NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burnt bangers!!!

Burnt bangers!!!

I like reading peoples rants and observation stories. Heres one from dave " Smoggie" Grayson direct from the NPF.

Nnce again the sunshine months are upon us where the blokes hold their breath for record breaking lengths of time in an attempt to disguise the effects of the winter food fest and the women are walking around in tight arsed shorts or skirts riding right up to the bike rack and so the nation is smiling a whole lot more.

ELO are belting out Mr Blue Sky on the radio and the whole housing estate seems to be having a barby at the same time ensuring the hole in the ozone layer gets a little bigger so the sun will shine again tomorrow keeping the nation buzzing with the thought of yet another day in the garden.
Then along comes the television production companies and completely bollocks the whole of the bloody summer by churning out big fucking brother 27000 and the twats on 2 channels so you really have to be cute and learn a strategy to avoid the bb flood when alternating your viewing and then what happens, just when you thought you had it cracked they put another one in your way, big brothers cousins uncles illegitimate sons aunties little fucking brother.

So now the nation is gripped by this mindless moronic excuse for a TV show, all we are to read in the news for the next three months are sordid secrets about every fucker in the twatting place.
Poor Frank who had a loving girlfriend when she entered the house has only just found out she's a trannie with a 12 inch dick.
If this isnt bad enough we then have to sit through hours of tossing silence cause the bastards are sayin something they arent supposed to and then to top it all off they show the fuckers sleeping and would you believe it some sad bastards watch it.
Just when you seem to have gotten the BB flood under control and you have mastered the art of channel hopping, the enemy strikes a crucial blow to your resistance and fires a 5 month stretch of fucking X Factor at us, 5 months to decide which of the talentless bastards is going to have a Christmas single then disappear into oblivion whilst costing the nations dumb housewives millions in text messages voting for the little one cause he's cute and sings fucking Frank Sinatra songs, "give me stength" .
Rumour has it the next winner of the X factor is going to get the honours of murdering the national anthem at the FA cup final 2011. what is this all about?

Ninety thousand pie eating beer guzzling football fanatics packed inside a stadium and they give them fucking karaoke singers doing abide with me and the national anthem, where has the pride and tradition gone from our beautiful game, what was wrong with Ed Stewpot Stewart doing the pre match warm up, we want football not pissing Michael Ball. and whats happenned to Cup Final its a knockout? no more do we see the cameras at the teams hotel and on the bus to Wembley, instead we get Alan "scarface" Hansen chewing the fat with cheese n onion Lineker and Mark (im not gay really) Lawrenson not forgetting Mr Personality Shearer telling us he thinks either side could win.
There is one thing that hasn't changed through all the years gone by, the good old barby burnt bangers and a crate of beer so my friends all is not lost get in the garden and get pissed and stay away from the telly.........