Pet taxi driver services!!

From the pen of Cowhead of NPF and another true story. His explanation of his real life experiences:

My sister has her own business being a Pet Taxi service.

With me being out of work she asked if I would do a day for her last week so she could have a day off as she's on call 24/7.

I thought why not? It's a few quid for basically taking dogs/cats to and from the vets, groomers and such like.

"Easy money" she says!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

My day started off well. I had breakfast at 9, took a shower and got in the van to get to Durham for 10.

I picked an elderly lady up just outside the city centre and took her, and her 22 year old cat all snuggled up in her cat box with her blanket and hot water bottle the 5 minute journey to Gilsegate.

She went inside while I had a smoke.

Five minutes later she comes back out, cat in hand armed with steriods and live longer pills of some sort.

I drive her back to her home. She thanked me and gave me the £20 agreed fee. EASY MONEY!!!!!
I stopped off at KFC on the way home and picked up a meal, bought a paper from the newsagents and headed home.

1pm: I set off for a place called Dipton.

45 minutes later I arrive at a quiet little village and pull up to the house. Out comes a woman around 50 years old. At first glance she looked quite normal until she got close and I could see that her foundation on her face looked like she had put it on with her hands. There was limps of it stuck on her cheeks.
First indication all was not well.

She asks me to lift her dog in to the back of the van as he had arthritis in his back legs.

I say to her "I will if he doesn't bite" to which she replied "nooo,,he's lovely mannered dog, he wouldn't hurt anyone"

OK! So in he goes no problem.

No sooner had we set of she told me that if he barks it means he needs to do his business and we will have to let him out. Fair enough!!!!

2 minutes into the journey he starts fucking barking! Van stops. I get his lead, open the back of the van, open the cage and get hold of his collar to clip on his leader, and the fucking twat bit me.

I tell her to get him out as I don't want another chunk took out of me.

She then walks him back and forth but NO! he did nowt.

2 more false alarms and 25 minutes later we pull up to the PDSA at Hebburn.

She goes to get him out and the fucing dog jumped. Landing heavily he yelps and lies down. Because of the 3 false piss alarms we were already 15 minutes late for the appointment so I tell her I'm going inside to tell them we're here.

I walk inside and the place is packed. The lady behind the counter (who knows my sister and who I am and the lady I've brought) starts to laugh.

Turns out this womans a total fucking head case and my sister booked her in that particular day obviously to stitch me up.

So, I'm standing waiting for her to get the fucking cripple dog inside and then I hear it. In one of the loudest voices I can hear her screaming " DO YOU WANT FUCKING PUTTING DOWN?" IF YOU DON'T GET UP THEY'LL FUCKING PUT YOU DOWN YOU OLD CUNT" "GET UP" "GET UP".

Everyone in the place is laughing and rushing to the window to see who the loony is and what's going on.

The lady behind the desk tells me my sister has the same carry on with her verytime she comes. "you will have to go out and get her, the dog won't move" she says.

I walk out and the dogs lying down and this fuckng nutcase is still trying to drag the poor dog inside, screaming like a bashee on acid.

I tell her I will have to pick him up and carry him in. Then, she says "he's not mormally this bad. He can walk ok usually, theres something wrong" I tell her it's cos he's got arthritis and remind her thats the reason we're here.

No! you've broke his legs.. WTF? I've broke his legs?

That was it. Anymore shit and I'm just jumping in the van and leaving her there.

So then,,,things just get better. I go to pick this fur ball up and I realise that while he's been lying there he's pissed and he's soaked underneath.

So here I am, carrying in this piss soaked dog into the PDSA with the nutter owner walking in behind.

Then I realised,, I'm with her!! Everyone is looking at my like I'm a fucking nutter too. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die,lol.

We get the dog sorted and leave. On the way there she did'nt really say much but on the way back she started to talk..


Turns out. She is 50 years old. A karate black belt. A dancer. A weightlifter.
Her last bofriend ran off to Costa Rica with some South American bird.
Her current boyfriend is the best thing since sliced bread but he has health problems. He has bad feet and legs. "What's wrong with his feet and legs?" I ask.

"Oh! he hurt them when he tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge TWICE"


Then, the big one.

She tells me she wants to marry suicide boy, but nobody could ever replace her first husband who sadly passed away a few years ago.

She says " you might know my ex father in law" "Might I?"

Yes! He's Clint Eastwood!!!!!

That's it! I ignore the signs warning of speed camera's and get this woman home as fast as I could.

We arrive back at her home, I open the up the back,, open the cage, get hold of the dog and the bastard bit me again.

The fare is £35 but she says cos I'm so lovely she's going to give me £40.

Then asks if I want to come in for a coffee. lmfao As if?????

Needless to say, I wont be running dogs to the vets again and if any of you lads looking for work see THIS job advertised anywhere, I'd advise you to not even think about it.


Anonymous said...

LMFAO! Quite possible the funniest thing I've read in ages. I'm sat here at 0230am thanks to night feeds for the sprog and that really cheered me up! Hahahaha!